i have had my share of great disappointments and great loves. i have had my share of hard nights and peaceful days, and i have handled myself gracefully and carelessly. i have shown wisdom and been as blind as any fool. i have loved and hated. i have seen behind the veil of my own fairy-tale lies to the ugly truth behind. i have loved, married, and fallen into despair as the love i so desperately clung to ripped into nothingness. i have picked apart my heart and left it behind. i have divorced and struggled along. i have wondered how i would ever survive, survived, and come to wonder how i ever survived before. i have experienced the fresh obsession of a love-to-be, cherished every moment of the crush, and can now recognize that i have experienced a new love… the rebirth of my own heart, my trust in another.

i have been cruel to some, and exceedingly kind to others. i have been lazy and paid for it, and i have worked hard and reaped the rewards. i have been independent and codependent.

each of these statement conjures up an old memory for me. a memory of you or another or of myself.

i feel like i have hidden so much emotion for so long that it’s boiling under the pressure. i need an outlet, and i’d prefer a healthy one.

valentine’s day is around the corner, and i hope you all cherish the time you get to spend with your lovers… or if you have no lover, i hope you find peace in your independence.

well, i have recently discovered that hanging shelves is an art form, and no matter how many holes you drill in a wall, the shelf still might not hang. i did manage to get one shelf hung, and even though it isn’t exactly level, it’s level enough.

i went away to alaska for a week to surprise my family. we had lots of fun, and alaska really is cold. it got up to 65 in illinois while i was gone and dropped down to -2 when i returned, of course.

for those of you that haven’t heard, i got the job with canon for slightly less salary-wise than i asked. the difference in pay will be made up when they start paying for my college classes, and the benefits are wonderful. i’m making good use of the gym in my building, and my co-worker, shannon, and i have quickly become friends.

shannon took me to an obscenely huge mall after work one day last week. we ate at this neat little mexican restaurant, and then we walked around for hours. shannon volunteered me to get a makeup lesson (which is something i was planning to do eventually), and commented several times that makeup is something i should get used to. so, at some point, i’ll be purchasing a $75 starter kit. we also went to this neat little soap shop where everything was made of natural ingredients. they had little fizzy bath bombs, and i have to get some of those once i have my own apartment. there is an ikea just outside of the mall, and i’m going to go there once i get my own place, too.

well, i’m off to get showered and dressed for breakfast with my boyfriend at 10.  adios!

i got a temporary job working for canon, and i was asked to apply for the permanent position that was open. i did so, and on friday, one of very few casual dress days, my boss abruptly approached me. “this is your interview, by the way, so grab anything you want to bring,” she said. the first thing that went through my head was that my suit would be nice, along with a crisp resume, references, and reference letter. i hastily spit out my gum into a tissue, and followed her to conference room. as of friday afternoon, i am the preferred applicant for the position, and she all but offered the position to me.

the matter of compensation was not discussed, but we did discuss some of the perks: a 35-hour work week, tuition reimbursement plan, work-share positions in JAPAN (!!!!!!), New York, California, and Texas,  and free access to the gym on the first floor.

i can’t even begin to explain how much i want this job based simply on the people i work with. all of the perks make the job seem too good to be true.

i don’t know that my current love interest is crazy about the work-share positions, but i will at least be sticking around to see the conclusion of my education. And since no one knows me like i know me, i should also divulge that the love bug is the only thing that really balances out the huge pull of the travel bug in my life.

all is well on the weight loss front, as well. i’m right at 183, and i bought a short, low-cut asian style dress which i’m wearing today. i doubt i’ll turn any heads in it, but it makes me feel good.

well, i have procrastinated on writing my research paper for college about as much as i can. i should go get it written. i only need to write about 200 words, so it shouldn’t take too long.

If I have not already convince you to do so, you must begin Naomi Novik’s Temeraire series. I have just finished the most heart-wrenching ending to book four, and I choked on my grief while i read it. i had to stop several times to let my eyes clear before i could finish reading. i assume there will be some unexpected good news at the start of the next book since there is a next book.

the series is about the war between the french and the english when the american colonies were first established. it gives detailed accounts of the battles, from the english wiping out napoleon’s navy to grand battles between french and english dragons. yes, dragons. apparently, ms. novik thought european history would be a little more interesting with some dragons added, and temeraire is the most lovable creature i have ever encountered in a book. more loveable than frodo and mr. potter combined.

the first book is called his majesty’s dragon, i believe. the second is called black powder war, and the third, the jade throne. the fourth book is called empire of ivory. buy them all at once, because you won’t want to stop reading them.

./end of book plug

in other news, chicago is very nice. as i was falling behind the traffic on my way to my new job at canon yesterday, a police car pulled up behind me with lights flashing. i just knew i was being issued a ticket for speeding as i realized my speedometer had nudged just over 85 mph on a tollway where the speed limit is 55. apparently not, however. the officer passed me aggressively as if i was driving too slow, and i sincerely wondered where i would drive if i was the sort inclined to go the speed limit. i was already in the slow lane, being passed at a considerable rate by the rush-hour traffic. i have been encouraged to apply for a permanent position at canon as my current position is temporary. we will see how that goes. even if i am not offered the job, there is considerable work to keep me busy in the short-term.

i had thanksgiving with tom and his family, and have similar plans for christmas if i am unable to go back to alaska. he and i are exchanging gifts for christmas, and i am open to suggestions about what exactly i should get for him.

that is all that is new for me. read the books!

there’s a white tail deer pooping about twenty feet away from my window. i’ve got the window cracked, and my tv is on (infomercial on the H2O steamer mop). the deer is looking directly at my window and it’s little ears are going like crazy. i bet it can hear my tv and wonders what it is. it’s a female, and looks like it might be a yearling.

i was very not-sleepy last night, and i needed to be sleeping. i grabbed a pen and paper, and i just started writing. what i came up with is a new page here on my blog called ten. i’m not sure what it is, but each of those things is important to me. i don’t necessarily do them all, but i should. i should measure success by these things… and i notice that a college degree, high-paying job, fancy new car, and luxurious house are not on the list.

i’m going to go back to watching the deer now. adios!

edit:
i just had to come back to say that there are now seven deer or so outside my window. one of them has a huge rack. i wish my dad could see it.

well, today is my birthday. i’ve had a wonderful day that started with a quick trip to tom’s house. he ripped a dvd for me and made an extra copy for me to send to my brother. then, tom went to work and i went shopping. i shopped for a few hours and then tom took me out for a wonderful proscuitto and caprese panini. YUM! then, istarion came over and we carved pumpkins. YARRR! we had wings, cupcakes, and tons of other junk food. and now, i’m finally settling down to go to bed. thanks to austin, justin, nic, rick, and sam for the birthday texts today! <3

i hope the next year will see me considerably slimmer, considerably closer to finishing my degree, and hopefully a little bit wiser. sweet dreams!

well, i got lost in the big city worse than ever tonight… i went to a friend’s house to watch a movie (during which i fell asleep). i stayed a little later than planned, but eventually got on my way home… only to take the interstate in the wrong direction. if i hadn’t been so sleepy, i might have noticed a little sooner… lucky for me, i have mastered the art of locating places with unsecured wireless networks and mooching the internet long enough to pull up directions on my laptop.

i heard about a legal and natural drug. it’s called salvia. It’s an interesting read if nothing else. it’s readily available at most tobacco stores. the “high” lasts less than 10 minutes, too.

i was having a not pleasant evening, but i went for a run with tom at his old high school. i ran a mile in eleven minutes and three seconds. that’s pretty much my best time in the last 7 years. after that mile, i did a quarter-mile in two minute and thirty seconds. that’s fast for me too. tom did a mile in eight minutes and then did a quarter mile in a minute and a half. just call him the flash!

running (especially with someone) is good. i like it. it’s hard and it hurts different parts of my body. it makes me sweat, and i hate sweating… but there’s just something about it that i love.

i miss my family.

Well, having passed through the wasteland of the Yukon Territory and various other places, I am finally in Illinois. After some very trying circumstances (raised rent, deadbeat jerks who wouldn’t answer their door or their phone on the move-in date, people who didn’t show up for my interview, etc.) I have both a place to live and job. Hurray for me! I had a celebratory dinner of sorts tonight. I made pineapple and chili pepper-marinated pork chops, and I watched Family Guy while I ate. I also ran off and on for 2 miles… sprinting and then jogging until I caught my breath and then sprinting again.

The house is right on a lake, and it’s a comfortable size for one or two people. It will be only me for now. I have someone special, but there are no plans to move in together. I might get a roommate though to help cover the cost of the utilities. We’ll see though.

The job is interesting… I’ve been researching possible grantmakers, and now I’ve been instructed to write a letter of inquiry and start on some proposals. Some of you might know that I’m taking accounting classes with the eventual goal of becoming a CPA. The job just so happens to be at a medium-sized CPA firm. On my first day, everyone stopped by to express their sympathy for having to work for my boss. He’s been pretty nice so far. He’s pretty straightforward, and he walks around the office to make sure everyone’s working. I’m okay with that. He likes dogs, and he encouraged me to bring mine to work every day and walk her at least once an hour. There’s even a charge code for taking care of the dogs and the fish. I also get to work whenever I want. I can put up with a lot of crap to be able to work my own hours.

So… the next step is for me to avoid spending any money at all until my paychecks start arriving. Then, I’ll pay off my credit cards, and run them up again buying furnishings for my house. I’ll start back to school as soon as my new house has internet access.

All is well on the weight loss front. I’m slowly working my way down to 190 lbs. I’ve become incredibly vain after buy new clothes that get frequent compliments. I walk around with my stomach sucked in, and I’ve even figured out how to fix my own hair in a reasonable amount of time.  I really care about looking good now. I need to keep losing weight until I look great, and I intend to keep up with all the girly maintenance (like waxing, pedicures, etc.). I want to be 180 lbs. by Thanksgiving.

A friend and I are going to a haunted corn maze for Halloween, I think. I’m pretty excited about it. I tried to suggest dressing up as pirates, but that suggestion was met with a stern glare that did nothing if not stress what a ridiculous suggestion I was attempting to make.

The weather here has been very, very hot. It was 93 degrees the other day according to the sign at the bank. It has finally cooled off, just today, and tomorrow is supposed to be even cooler. 93 degrees is tolerable here as long as you are outside and the wind is blowing. it is also tolerable if you are enjoying the luxury of air conditioning.

kita is fine. she’s made a few new friends, and she’s gotten used to sleeping on the floor again. i do miss having her sleep in bed with me though.

i can’t think of anything else that needs an update. i guess you can leave a comment if you have any questions or concerns.

tschüs!

i’m in love, and it’s wonderful. i feel happy and pretty. i want to sing and dance. i want to get kissed. i want to spend hours cuddling and making pillow talk. i want to tell everyone. i’m pretty sure i was not yet even in high school the last time i felt like this… the last time that “in love” feeling consumed me like this. my every thought is of my love.  i’m falling so hard, and there’s no end in sight. i love this feeling… this wonderful, consuming love… loving with abandon, saying the things i shouldn’t, wanting the things i know i can’t have… it’s not even spring time, but i feel like it should be. i want to share my life with my love. i want to share in the life of my love. i love this one person, and tonight… i love them with every thing that i am.